Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
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The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
We decided to have money instead of children.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.