professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
You Might Also Like
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it