99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
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Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
I wish I were this cool 😂
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*