just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
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I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
All generalizations are stupid.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.