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They’re on their honeymoon
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!