[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
You Might Also Like
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]