Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
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Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
Thursday Thought.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
oh my god
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
Bike is short for Bichael.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative