i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
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Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
is frankincense just very honest incense?
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Matt Goss
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.