Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
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If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”