3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
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The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Ovenable?
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.