Holy moly
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I would like even faster food.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
do u think theres a butter planet?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
All excellent questions
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.