I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
You Might Also Like
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree