The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
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If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻