What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
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“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.