[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
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Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert