“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de