*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
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I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
“yeah that IS strange they only filled the fries and shakes halfway” I say about the food I brought home for my kids.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive