[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
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“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
i’m still crying at this
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!