in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
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In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight