[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
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It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
Every photo I’m tagged in
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.