The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
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When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
broke down and did it
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂