I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
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Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.