[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
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In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Don’t tell me what to do
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Comparing yourself to others
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I don’t want a ring, I want a Hattori Hanzo sword.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Check out the legs on this baby
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.