Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
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I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
don’t be scared
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me