My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
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Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
My Plans 2020
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
#MeanwhileInCanada
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Botany good plants lately?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?