ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I am, perchance
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.