Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
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Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.