Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
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Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no