We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
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Wife: The kid was holding a sparkler.
Me: …I thought her arm was on fire.
Wife: You hosed her down for 9 minutes.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*鈥ou look very pretty
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
My boyfriend鈥檚 boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Me 馃檪
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 馃檨
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
Who chose this font
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it鈥檚 just you breathing normally.