*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
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[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
We need to put an American base on the sun
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.