“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.