Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
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*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.