My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
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*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
translated into Canadian
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
*looks at calendar*
*looks at stomach*
*looks at calendar*
Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.