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Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
Ovenable?
The sacred texts.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.