Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
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Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
wait.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more