Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
The pasta is now
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true