I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.