Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
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Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
this is funnier than any friends episode
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*