Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
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Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
But wait…
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?