If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
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Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Happy birthday to all the women
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!