[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
You Might Also Like
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
School be like
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind