Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
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Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments