You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.