Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
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Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Imma just leave this here…………
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit