changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
estão todos miauvindo?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!