My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
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Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Pot warmers of the day.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents