One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
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Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
This kid is going places
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired