People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
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Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Coffee for people with no kids
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
mentally somewhere in italy
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs