[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
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me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.