“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
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Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.